“Taking Children Seriously is sometimes misconstrued as being just a different approach to situations when you would otherwise have coerced.”
– Sarah Fitz-Claridge
Taking Children Seriously is sometimes misconstrued as being just a different approach to situations when you would otherwise have coerced. It is not (just) about what to do instead of coercion. It is not (just) about bringing a problems-are-soluble noncoercive spirit to bear instead of coercing when there is an obvious problem like a disagreement between parent and child. And it is not just a new (non-paternalistic) view of children.
It is not just about children, it is not just about unwelcome problems, it is not just about finding solutions both parent and child prefer instead of one or other of them not getting what they want, it is not just about interpersonal problem solving, it is not just problem-solving through explicit thinking and discussion, it is not just about ‘conjectures and refutations’, and it is not just bouts of problem-solving ‘when the need arises’.
It is natural to think of creative problem-solving in terms of a given problem, a problem-solving process, and a solution. The trouble is, that makes it sound all very obvious, discrete, simple, explicit, conscious, and rare, like when a genius scientist solves a single problem in physics after working on it for decades. And then it is natural to imagine that only geniuses are creative problem-solvers. It completely misses that people are born creative and naturally and effortlessly solve problems all the time without even knowing it, and that creative problem-solving systems emerge.
Think flow. Think universal. Think systems, not (just) discrete events. Creative systems flow. Think of humanity as a system flowing with creativity in every moment. Think of a culture as a system that can be flowing with creative problem-solving (or not flowing freely, creative problem-solving and progress coercively blocked). Imagine a family as a system flowing with creativity in every moment. Think of each individual mind as a system flowing with creativity in every moment.
That does not mean that there are no obstacles in the flow (like rocks and boulders in a stream). It does not mean that the flow of creativity is the same everywhere. Some families bubble with ideas and flow with connecting creativity; others are quite blocked (for example, by the parents acting as if their ideas have authority, as if they are a privileged source of knowledge). Some cultures are more creative than others. Some areas of thinking within an individual mind are flowing with creativity, others are blocked.
It also does not mean that there are any guarantees. Where creative flow goes is not predictable. Not just a little bit difficult to predict, inherently unpredictable.
(And then there is the fact that traditions are not just coercive blocks preventing progress, they contain knowledge—evolved solutions to problems. But that is for another post.)
So to bring this back to Taking Children Seriously, it is not about waiting until there is an obvious (let alone unwelcome) problem and then engaging in creative problem-solving. There is a (largely unconscious and inexplicit, but also conscious and explicit too) flow of creative problem-solving all the time. There is a never-ending stream of information flowing in the family and between individuals, such as about each person’s preferences, ideas, wishes, purposes, interests, concerns, and so on, both relating to this moment and more generally.
In this unproblematic moment, what would delight this person? What would take this situation from fine to next level amazing? Are their eyes shining? If they are interested in x, might y and z fascinate them? What kind of support do they like, or might they welcome in this moment? How can I make a difference for them? What does this person think about such-and-such? What makes that loved one’s heart sing? What matters to them? Where/how might I be inadvertently limiting them? What are they not saying, that they would like to say? If anything at all were possible, what would they love? What might they like to transform? What kind of support would they like in that? What inspires them? What are their current hopes and dreams? What makes them giggle? What touches their heart? What would be connecting rather than alienating in a moment of stress for this person? What might create a special memory now? What small details might make a difference for this or that person? What are their current likes and dislikes? What are their current preferences—not just the big ones, but the smallest, most mundane ones? And because people are evolving entities not fixed ones, there is a lot of noticing anomalies in our conjectureconjectures about our loved ones, checking that our conjectures about them are (still) correct, correcting our mistaken conjectures about them.
There is a flow of information and shared meaning, ever deeper knowledge of one another, generous-hearted love and support. Think flow. Not just waiting until something bad happens.
There is lots of questioning hitherto unexamined assumptions, thinking outside the box, and the joy of sparking joy in an individual loved one or the family as a whole. Trying different things all the time. Playing with ideas. Wonder. Curiosity. Thought experiment. Reframing. Having fun exploring life, ideas, interesting problems, the world and one another. Looking at things in a broader context. Getting a wider perspective. Pollyanna’s ‘glad game’. Playing with possibilities. Trial and error. Learning from errors. Transformation.
There is enjoyable creative problem-solving all the time both individually and jointly, not just when there is an obvious problem, not just jointly but within each individual mind, and not just explicitly and consciously. Indeed most of it is inexplicit and unconscious. Creative systems flow. And the more problems a system solves, the more it can solve.
Of course there are still times when coercion happens and people are upset and defending their corner and everything seems like an unmitigated disaster. We are all fallible human beings who lack knowledge and make mistakes. That is the human condition. At such times, humour sometimes helps—humour born of your deep knowledge of those involved, not just telling a random joke. Upsets tend to act as perspective-narrowing blocks on creativity. When people are giggling, their perspective is much wider. Whenever a problem seems difficult to solve, taking a metaphorical step back to get a broader perspective can make all the difference to the flow of creativity.
Think wide perspective. Think flow. Not waiting until an obvious (let alone upsetting) problem happens. A continual flow of information between family members. Flowing creativity all the time.
See also:
Sarah Fitz-Claridge, 2025, Taking Children Seriously FAQ: ‘Think flow.’, https://takingchildrenseriously.com/think-flow