“What makes housework so grim is not the time it takes—it takes little time and can be done while conversing, listening to stuff, etc.—but all the other stuff—the resentment, the coercion, the battling, the idea that if you didn’t make the mess, you shouldn’t clean it up. Stop thinking in terms of trying to get others to do what you want them to do, and you will find that housework is not a problem.”
– Sarah Fitz-Claridge
From the archives: Posted on 22nd April 1998
At 12:22 pm -0600 on 1998/04/20, Dave wrote:
“While Aunt Cynthia has no problem with how her nieces family maintains their own rooms (or living space) as far as cleanliness goes, she is concerned about keeping certain areas of the house clean just in case there are visitors. Those rooms would be the living room, the kitchen and the dining room. Aunt Cynthia feels that she cannot sacrifice having cleanliness in these areas without feeling very uncomfortable about this.”
I can understand this. Now that I have overcome my housework-hating problem, I simply keep things as clean and tidy as I like—that is—I do as much cleaning and tidying as necessary for my comfort—and this works well for me. Most adults are irrational about housework, and coercing children to tidy up after themselves just ensures that they pass on their irrationality to their children. I am trying to break that cycle.
The good news is that keeping things comfortably tidy actually takes very little time if one does it as one goes along (at least daily) rather than leaving things for a week then trying to clean up.
Instead of doing what Barbara Coloroso advises in her book Kids are Worth it, namely, devoting time and creativity to the problem of how to get the child to take the trash out even if it would be much much easier and quicker to do it oneself, simply do it yourself!. From my reading of bad parenting books, I have concluded that this is a novel idea! I feel tired just reading about the lengths parents are advised to go to to get their children to tidy up, and to what end? What a hideous waste of time, energy, and creativity; what a sad, destructive, irrational thing to do.
If you can lay to rest the idea that the only way to solve the problem of keeping the house up to your preferred level of tidiness is by getting everyone to take responsibility for tidying up their own mess, there is hope. Stop thinking in terms of trying to get others to do what you want them to do (which takes so much time and is so stressful) and you will find that it really is not a problem. What makes housework so grim is not the time it takes—it takes little time and can be done while conversing, watching TV, listening to music or the radio, etc.—but all the other stuff—the resentment, the coercion, the battling, the idea that if you didn’t make the mess, you shouldn’t clean it up.
I like to wash up as I go along, so that there are always lots of clean things available for use should I suddenly want a cup of tea or whatever right now. Other people take the view that it would be really awful to die leaving any plate or cup unused. If Aunt Cynthia takes my view and the family takes the other view, then clearly, some creativity will be needed to solve the problem. Could Aunt Cynthia get a dishwasher and start to pick up cups and plates etc. when she is en route from one part of the house to the kitchen, on an on-going basis? Or could there be a cupboard of cutlery, crockery and suchlike that is just for Aunt Cynthia’s use, so that she will never not have a clean cup or whatever available? (That would not work for me, since I also hate the sight of piles of dirty dishes.) Or can Aunt Cynthia get into a rhythm of washing up, such that she does it without any conflict?
Might the family simply avoid one or more of the rooms Aunt Cynthia wants tidy? It seems a shame to have rooms and not use them, but OTOH, the family might be happy to oblige. Could they make another room into “their” living room?
Could Aunt Cynthia hire someone to clean up on a regular basis?
I think it would be a grave mistake to live with people whose mess you might feel resentful about cleaning up (assuming you feel the need for a particular level of tidiness). One of the main stresses on intra-familial relationships is this very thing. When people feel like that, it eats away at their relationship and ultimately destroys it. If there is a mismatch in terms of tidiness comfort levels and the parties can’t resolve that, it might be better to keep their living arrangements separate.
[Note added 2023: Wow, such pessimism that problems are soluble in that last paragraph! Whilst I agree with my earlier self that resentment poisons relationships, I disagree (and am astonished that I ever thought) that living arrangements might need to be kept separate. Problems are soluble. As in they really are! Even when they seem impossible to solve. All it takes is a change of heart—a change of interpretation—seeing things in the wider perspective and noticing (creating) a better way of thinking about it. Resentment is not poured into us by outside circumstances, and it need not take outside circumstances or people changing for us to become resentment-free.]
See also:
- Ideas colour experience
- Consistent rules set in concrete or children thinking for themselves with parents available to advise
- Coercion needed to prevent cavities?
Sarah Fitz-Claridge, 1998, ‘Aunt Cynthia and cleanliness’, https://takingchildrenseriously.com/aunt-cynthia-and-cleanliness