“I often read objectionable literature. Am I in danger of becoming a child beater if I read a book advocating child beating? Why so little faith in your children who have had the benefit of your wisdom on such matters?”
– Sarah Fitz-Claridge
From the archives: Posted on 1st January, 1995
Jim wrote:
“Would you do anything if your children started bringing home literature of the KKK or some of the skin-head neo-nazi organizations? What if your children started reading and watching a bunch of stuff that shows or encouraged hatred towards gays or insensitivity towards people with AIDS?”
Jim, I fear I must once again take issue with you. These questions sound reasonable, I agree, but they are wrong-headed. Yes, one can postulate all sorts of wild and hideous possibilities, but what point is there in worrying about things that are so outlandish? Speaking only for myself here: what you are failing to take into account, is that the very reason I favour a noncoercive approach to child-raising is that I think coercion destroys rationality and sabotages the growth of knowledge—the approach to truth. If it is true that these things you mention are false or evil ideas—ideas that are very far from truth—then a rational truth-seeking human being is not likely to adopt them. These sort of questions seem to me to be pretty much equivalent to asking “What would you do if your child wanted to see what it felt like to have a pound of flesh cut out of him after seeing a rather good production of The Merchant of Venice?” It is not something I think worth spending too much time worrying about.
But let me answer this another way. Suppose a child of mine did bring home objectionable literature. What would I think? My prima facie theory would probably be that the child was familiarising himself with the bad ideas contained therein, not because he was about to adopt them as his personal value-system, but perhaps because he wanted to be aware of these ideas, who holds them, and why. I myself tend to buy what I consider evil books (books advocating child beating, for example) not because I am trying to learn how to be a child beater, but because I want to be aware of the full range of ideas about parenting. A child might well read KKK literature, say, in connection with an interest in the psychology of hatred, or the history of slavery or something. He might watch programmes depicting any number of odious ideas for any number of perfectly worthwhile reasons.
“Would you be the slightest concerned if your children started focusing on shows or material that presented religious or materialistic values you don’t approve of?”
This word “focusing” carries a hint of “obsession” about it. Entrenched ideas, such as are suggested by this, are irrational, and thus once again, I think noncoercive parents are much less likely to have anything to worry about in this regard than those who coerce their children heavily.
What would I do if a child of mine became interested in material embodying values of which I disapprove? Talk to them!1 Find out what they think about it all. Discuss it. Not panic and try to force them to adhere to my values or my viewing preferences.
“What if your children started listening to music that strongly encouraged things like suicide or drug-use? How about racist or gangster-rap music? Would that concern you?”
No, because I see no reason to assume that because a person likes listening to a particular type of music, which happens to have vile lyrics, that suggests he is being sucked into the ideas contained therein. As it happens, I think that most “tame” songs of the 1940s, say, have lyrics whose content I would not wish any child of mine to adopt, and in some ways, those ideas are far more pernicious than the more obviously bad ideas of the type of lyrics to which you refer.
“I know that there are people who actually do hold a ‘let the do whatever they want’ attitude towards child raising and would do nothing if their child became a neo-nazi, drug dealer, or gay-basher.”
You seem to start from the premise that children who are not coerced will become wayward, immoral, gravely troubled adults. As I implied above, I reject your premise. I look forward to reading an argument for it.
“I personally think that children want guidance on moral issues.”
I quite agree. Of course they do. But there is guidance, and there is coercion. The latter, they don’t want (obviously—it is a tautology).
“I know that children look to parents for intellectual guidance (as can be seen from all of the what, why, and how come questions we get). The world is very complicated and it is very difficult for them to figure everything out on their own.”
Once again, I concur. It is simply a mistake to assume that not coercing one’s children means denying them access to our ideas. They can learn a great deal from us, and they want to hear our ideas.
“In the same way, kids look to their parents for moral guidance. It is difficult to develop a moral code from scratch or just from watching other’s behavior.”
I agree. We have a duty to give our children access to our moral ideas, just as we have a duty to explain to our young children about the dangers of roads and moving vehicles. But there is a difference between telling them our opinions and arguments, and trying to force them to adopt our (entrenched??) moral theories. Moral knowledge has evolved over time, and I for one am glad to be living in a country whose morality has evolved away from the idea that it is right to view a woman as the property of her husband, or that an unmarried girl who has a baby should live in shame for the rest of her life, or that (for their own good) black people need to remain enslaved, for instance. Our children or our children’s children will hopefully have even better moral ideas than we have in our Western culture. If I may quote you, Jim: “As the saying goes: ‘If you always do what you’ve always done, you will always get what you’ve always got.’”
“Rather than go on about the pit-falls of leaving children in a moral vacuum and letting them fill it as they please”
There’s that false dichotomy again, Jim! Non-coercion (which I assume is what you mean by “letting them fill it as they please”) is not “leaving children in a moral vacuum”. Can you really not conceive of any other possibility? Can you really not see that it is possible to give children lots of guidance, lots of careful argument for one’s own ideas, lots of access to information, and so on, without resorting to coercion to forcibly instil (entrench irrationally, in other words) a particular dogma?
Notes
1. That is, to the extent they want to talk about it. I would no more try to compel a conversation with a child than I would appreciate someone trying to compel me to converse about something. But one thing that could have been clearer in my answer is that from a Taking Children Seriously perspective, it seems odd that parents might have such worries about their children going off the rails in the suggested ways. Imagine Jim’s questions being asked about your adult loved one or your best friend. Presumably you have had so many conversations with your friends and loved ones that the idea that they might at any moment get sucked into the KKK is laughable. I often read objectionable literature. Am I in danger of becoming a child beater if I read a book giving parents advice about choosing the right implement with which to beat a six-month-old baby? Why so little faith in your children who have had the benefit of your wisdom on such matters?
But even if a friend or loved one of mine were to develop an interest in and read objectionable books, and not agree with or not want to hear my criticisms of, those ideas, that would be a matter for them. They are not a piece of clay for me to mould to my preferred shape. They are their own person with their own values and their own problem situation. They must do what they think right, not what I think they should do.
See also:
- “Children fending for themselves like adults?!”
- Taking Children Seriously is a new view of children, not merely a new ‘do’
- “He would say that, wouldn’t he?”
Sarah Fitz-Claridge, 1995, ‘“What if they bring home objectionable literature?!”’, https://takingchildrenseriously.com/what-if-they-bring-home-objectionable-literature