“When something is made a ‘rule’, then it becomes something that generally is no longer questioned, is often treated in an inflexible way. And a ‘boundary’ can only be a boundary if a person is going to somehow enforce the boundary.”
– Grace S.
From the archives: The original post was posted on 10th March, 1996
“So, are we thinking on the same wave length here? When you say ‘no coercion’ does that mean ‘don’t make your children do things by force’ or does that mean ‘do not give your children boundaries, rules, directions, and then ask them to follow them’?”
Here is where I see a difference. There is a difference between giving suggestions, giving information, having intelligent conversations with children… and … ‘boundaries and rules’. When something is made a ‘rule’, then it becomes something that generally is no longer questioned, is often treated in an inflexible way. And a ‘boundary’ can only be a boundary if a person is going to somehow enforce the boundary.
Now, I wasn’t always as ‘non-coercive’ as I have become. Initially, we used the carrot/stick/reward/punishment model with our daughter, leaning heavily towards rewards. But we still, quite obviously, were bent on controlling her (and making it seem as nice as possible, or brainwashing her into behaving the way we wanted). Then we took a course called ‘STEP’ which is also similar to what Faber and Mazlish promote in their books—and in at least some areas of our children’s lives, we learned to get out of the way, and let them have their feelings and figure out what areas were ‘our’ responsibility (because we had a problem with the situation) and what areas where the child’s responsibility (because it really was their problem to figure out). Our coercion level dropped, and our kids’ freedom increased, but we still operated out of reward/punishment a portion of the time.
Now I am more and more seeing my children as simply intelligent, sentient, beings, who want to learn about things (like how to take care of themselves, and how the world ‘works’) and I am here to HELP them… but not do it for them. The more I trust that they will make the right choices, and I allow them to make all kinds of choices, the more they learn what the right choices for them are. They are simply little learning machines, if given the chance to have real-life learning happening. I spend less time judging them and their actions, and more time exploring options with them. I keep learning with them, in addition to sharing some of what I know about what is expected of people in this society.
I did find some of the responses to Lulie very offensive—like that she still needed to be ‘taught’ when to go to bed… as if she doesn’t have the brains at age 6 to figure out her priorities. I know that when I remind my daughter the night before her dance class that it’s coming up—she’ll go to bed. And if we have nothing planned the next morning, she’ll go to bed when she’s tired and/or after whatever interesting whatever is done. (We spent one night downloading programs well into the night… other times we read extra late… I’m up at 01:23 answering mail and working on my web pages, and probably will be for another hour or two… it’s my life, and my choice as to the hours I keep, and if I want to stay up late or wake up early… and I do choose to be responsible for my commitments to keeping my kids safe and to keeping appointments).
See also:
- Don’t children prefer strict rules so they know where they stand?
- Rival theories about early walking and talking
- We go forward with hope
Grace S., 1996, ‘Our evolution away from coercive rules and rewards’, https://takingchildrenseriously.com/our-evolution-away-from-coercive-rules-and-rewards