“If [my children] don’t want to [help tidy up], I just do what I need to and move along to what I want to do next. This was hard for me because I was very coerced and physically abused around housework growing up. It was a scary step for me to decide to try to de-coerce with housework. It’s infinitely better this way.”
– Kathy
From the archives: Posted on 12th January 1999
“It is the same old rubbishy categories (referred to less picturesquely as ‘permissive,’ ‘authoritative,’ and ‘authoritarian’). These are based on the false premise that children need a little coercion now and again for their own good, and that there are only two alternatives to this ‘moderate’ path, namely, neglect or old-fashioned rigid authoritarianism. Taking Children Seriously does not fit into that scheme of things at all. We reject the whole idea upon which those categories are based. Taking Children Seriously is a whole new way of thinking.”
I agree. But I had to read through a lot of books like this before I found that it was possible to be something other than a non-authoritarian “authoritative” parent. For a long time I thought that I was in a better spot than a rigidly authoritarian parent because I was nice. After a while I could see that the niceness was still trying to force someone else to do something that they didn’t want to do. And I still had to up the degree of force to get it to happen.
“So do all parenting books, even the ones which tell you how to choose the appropriate implement with which to beat a 6 month old baby. (No, I am not exaggerating.)”
I know you’re not exaggerating. 🙁 I’m well acquainted with these books, they are sick and sickening. I’m not so sure that the practitioners of this kind of parenting are too concerned with a child’s dignity though. It’s more about the child knowing who’s-in-charge-and-who’s-always-going-to-be-in- charge. And, sadly, sometimes it works.
“I can understand this. Now that I have overcome my housework-hating problem, I simply keep things as clean and tidy as I like—that is—I myself do as much cleaning and tidying as necessary for my own comfort—and this works well for me. Most adults are irrational about housework, and coercing children to tidy up after themselves just ensures that they pass on their irrationality to their children. I am trying to break that cycle.”
Same here. Often I’ll ask one or more of the children if they’d like to help me. Very often one or more will. If they don’t want to, I just do what I need to and move along to what I want to do next. This was hard for me because I was very coerced and physically abused around housework growing up. It was a scary step for me to decide to try to de-coerce with housework. It’s infinitely better this way. I have more help around the house doing it noncoercively I think. Sometimes I don’t get the help on the spot the way I could when I was a coercive mom, but across the board things are way better. This is from a mom with seven kids still left at home. 🙂
See also:
- “What if…?” questions
- Unhappy with natural consequences
- Wants are rightly conditioned by the rights and responsibilities
Kathy, 1999, ‘Niceness to force children to do things they do not want to do’, https://takingchildrenseriously.com/niceness-to-force-children-to-do-things-they-do-not-want-to-do