“Having an agenda for a child implies having a want for the child that is independent of and impervious to their own wishes, steering them along a path you have decided is best for them, often without discussing it openly.”
– Sarah Fitz-Claridge
“How is general (non-agenda-driven) theory sharing any different from what you’ve called ‘having an agenda’ for the child?”
“Surely any wants you have for your kids including ones as benevolent as you not wanting your kids to step in front of that truck doing 60mph, or wanting everybody to be non-coercive including your kids, equate to you ‘having an agenda’ for them? How do you distinguish between the wants you have for your kids qualifying as ‘having an agenda’ for them, and those that don’t?”
Having an agenda generally implies that your theory or want for the child:
- is pre-existing (vs arising in the moment).
- is independent of and impervious to the wishes of the child.
Another common characteristic of having an agenda is that:
- instead of stating your theory/wish clearly so that it can be subjected to your child’s critical scrutiny, you keep it hidden, covertly channelling your child into your pre-existing vision of how they should be. It is manipulative instead of being straight with the child.
Why is not wanting your children to get run over not having an agenda for them? Because your guess is that being run over and killed or injured is not what they want, and that if they knew that running into the road at that moment would result in death or injury they would not run into fast-moving traffic. Wanting everybody to be non-coercive including your children might be innocuous, like having a dream of an even more creative future; on the other hand, it might involve you channelling your children into your particular vision of what that looks like, independent of and impervious to their own wishes, in which case, it would be having an agenda for them.
Parents often have an agenda for their child that their child adopt the parents’ ideas, that they learn certain things, that they study hard, that they become successful, that they value the same things the parents value. And instead of being straight about their theories for their children, they try to steer their children into the path the parents have decided is best, irrespective of their children’s own wishes. Most people hate it when others do this to them, but somehow they do not see that their children might also not like being channelled into someone else’s agenda.
See also:
- What about instilling values like freedom, fallibilism and the idea of taking children seriously?
- Taking Children Seriously: a new view of children
- What do you mean by non-coercive? What is the difference between coercion and non-coercion?
Sarah Fitz-Claridge, 2023, Taking Children Seriously FAQ: ‘What do you mean by ‘having an agenda’ for your children? Are all wants for your children agendas?’, https://takingchildrenseriously.com/what-do-you-mean-by-having-an-agenda-for-your-children-are-all-wants-for-your-children-agendas/