“The parent is making a judgement about which ‘natural consequences’ to ‘just let happen’ and which ones not to. The parent is using them to compel compliance.”
– Sarah Fitz-Claridge
“Natural consequences are just that: Natural. They happen without any decision-making or action on the part of another person. If you, as parent, are deciding what a consequence is or should be, then it’s not a natural consequence. […] It’s great when things do have natural consequences, but it doesn’t always work that way. […] Natural consequences are the most powerful, the most useful, and the best ones to ‘use’ (though you’re not really using them, you’re just allowing them to happen) with children. If it’s possible, do it. Or more to the point, if it’s possible, stay out of it, and let the natural consequence play itself out.
Of course, that’s not always possible or practical. […] [S]ometimes, the natural consequence is too dangerous,… We don’t simply stand back and watch our kids climb on our roofs1… That would be negligent.”2
Parenting experts say that ‘natural consequences’ just happen naturally. The claim is that it is not the parent punishing the child into compliance but the natural consequence. ‘All parents do is just let them happen.’
Yet the parent would not just let them happen in every case—only in cases in which the parent consciously or unconsciously wants to teach the child a lesson—when the parent thinks the consequence will effectively and safely punish the child into complying, in areas of life in which the parent wants to compel compliance.
So the parent is not just letting them happen. The parent is making a judgement about which ones to ‘just let happen’ and which ones not to. The parent is using them to compel compliance.
Is that how you would recommend people treat their beloved partner or other loved ones? Is that how you would like to be treated?
If I am about to do something that will have an unintended unpleasant natural consequence, and someone I love notices that possibility, I would be grateful if instead of just letting it happen, they were to draw my attention to the potential consequence, so that I don’t suffer that consequence, or so that at least I know what I might be getting myself into if I nevertheless choose to proceed.
If someone I love were to knowingly ‘just let it happen’ instead of warning me, I might have a moment of surprise and disappointment before realising that they must have thought I would not want them to have said anything (as might well be the case for many people), rather than that they were intentionally not warning me to teach me a lesson.
But what if someone is intentionally ‘just letting the consequence happen’ to someone they love, despite knowing that there is no desire on the part of the loved one not to be warned? That is what parents are doing when they choose to ‘just let natural consequences happen’ to their children.
Notes
1. I wish I could find my photo of my then-six-year-old standing on the (sloped, not flat!) garage roof.
2. Robin Einzig, 2015, “Consequences & How We Misuse Them”
See also:
- Singling out children
- Video games: a unique educational environment
- “What do you mean by ‘coercionist’?”
Sarah Fitz-Claridge, 2025, ‘Natural consequences aren’t.’, https://takingchildrenseriously.com/natural-consequences-arent