“The kind of expressions of approval that are not manipulative are the ones that bubble out of you without any forethought. Anytime you are wondering if what you were planning to say might be coercive approval, it probably is.”
– Sarah Fitz-Claridge
“How can we express approval when our children do something good without manipulating them by implying that we would disapprove if they had made a different choice?”
This is a good question, because indeed most parents do engage in coercive/manipulative praise—the carrot of approval backed by the stick of possible disapproval. Parents taking their children seriously do not engage in such manipulative, coercive praise.
The kind of expressions of approval that are not manipulative are the ones that bubble out of you without any forethought. Anytime you are wondering if what you were planning to say might be coercive approval, it probably is. Is what you are saying the kind of thing you would naturally say to an adult loved one? Or does the idea of saying this to an adult loved one seem weird? If so, it might be that your expression of approval is actually the approval a superior expresses for an inferior, rather than the natural delight expressed between equals. If so, that is something to avoid. Taking children seriously is about relating as equal persons, not in a top-down authoritarian, superior-inferior relationship in which the lower person is expected to jump through hoops to receive the praise from the superior.
If you have not already seen it, you might like to watch my Oxford Karl Popper Society talk: Taking Children Seriously: a new view of children on this subject.
As is the case when thanking anyone else, the way to express genuine appreciation instead of manipulating with praise is to be guided by and use the children’s own standards (and not specifically whether they do what you antecedently wanted them to).
Example 1: You are very tired and your daughter, unasked and out of pure considerateness, does something nice for you, to make your life easier. Do you feel particularly touched by the kind gesture or by her noticing your tiredness and wanting to make a difference for you? Do you sense that the gesture is about reaching out for connection with you? Then obviously say whatever naturally bubbles out of you accordingly, like you would if this were happening with an adult loved one.
Otherwise, you do not go overboard with praise or thanks to encourage more such gestures, you simply say thank you, just as you would to your wife or coworker.
If you think your daughter does not already know what a difference her kind gesture made for you, then, like you would with anyone else, you explain the details of that beneficial effect on you, enthusing the like you would with an adult.
If by her standards the deed required no particular striving or achieving, then a simple thank you and a warm smile might be all that is called for. It depends what the gesture represents in her mind and between you, how you connect together, and what kind of people you are.
If you are super appreciative like my lovely sister, then that enthusiastic appreciation you show is not patronising and not manipulative, it is just your appreciative nature, and it is charming. But if your personality is a bit less expressive, say, then it could be plain weird if you start gushing.
If what the child has done did take particular effort, or if, to her, it was a particular accomplishment (say, if this was the first time she has made a cup of tea unaided), then to the extent that she herself considers this a fine achievement, I would be celebrating it with her. But do be emotionally intelligent about this. For some people, even if something is an achievement, they dislike any fanfare. It really depends whether she is an individual who enjoys being celebrated or not. Does she dislike your natural gushing? Then be sensitive to that and tone it down with her, just like you would with a similar adult loved one. Perhaps you can convey your celebration in an understated way that she would appreciate?
Suppose it was a simple, easy gesture, but your daughter is the kind of person who loves connecting with you via your fulsome appreciation or the lovely conversation sparked by the gesture. Then be guided by that, just as you would be if it were an adult loved one instead.
Example 2: You are a lifelong libertarian and your son joins the local Republican Party and becomes a party activist. His dedication to the conservative cause is noticed and he soon becomes the youngest ever precinct Chairperson, and his fellow conservatives are urging him to run for higher office. You may be arguing about abortion or some other issue with him, but you are also celebrating his achievement with him. You majorly celebrate your child’s achievement because it is a major achievement by his own standards. If you think he would like this, you text all your friends, even fellow libertarians, and tell them all about it enthusiastically. But again, before launching into such action, be sure that this is something this particular person would enjoy. Not everyone would.
I have made it sound like a bit of a minefield in which you need to be carefully explicitly thinking about all the different considerations, but that is not at all how it is in practice. In practice, because you are viewing children full people not lesser people you need to train to be full people, you are simply responding in whatever way is natural for you given your relationship, the two of you as individuals, and the situation, just as you would with an adult.
See also:
- “What if…?” questions revisited
- Not riding roughshod but satin-slipper-shod
- What to do when your child says “Go away” or “I don’t want to talk about it”
Sarah Fitz-Claridge, 2022, Taking Children Seriously FAQ: ‘“How can we express approval when our children do something good without manipulating them by implying that we would disapprove if they had made a different choice?”’, https://takingchildrenseriously.com/how-can-we-express-approval-when-our-children-do-something-good-without-manipulating-them-by-implying-that-we-would-disapprove-if-they-had-made-a-different-choice/