“Do children taken seriously ever ask permission?”

“If children have a pattern of asking permission as if they view you as the authority giving or denying them permission, that suggests that they are not seeing themselves as equal individuals whose lives are their own.”
– Sarah Fitz-Claridge

      

“In a noncoercive household, is there anything you would expect your child to ask permission about? (That would imply that the parent has the control/final say so.) Do children taken seriously ever ask permission?”

Good gracious no! (Well, no more than we might ask them permission generally, like before entering someone’s private space or bedroom, or before using someone else’s property, or before sharing someone’s private information, etc.) In case it is not obvious why there is none of the usual asking permission parents expect their children to do, the above question is like asking:

“In a noncoercive household, is there anything you would expect your wife to ask permission about? (That would imply that the husband has the control/final say so.) Do wives taken seriously ever ask permission?”

When you ask the same question about adults, the paternalism becomes obvious. Taking Children Seriously relationships are horizontal, equal, noncoercive relationships rather than vertical, top-down, authoritarian relationships. Children are sovereign individuals who own themselves and have as much right to control their own lives as adults have to control theirs.

So whilst we all ask permission of each other if we want to use their property or enter their bedroom, and the like, there is none of the usual paternalistic expectation that children ask their parents’ permission before doing anything.

If children have a pattern of asking permission, that suggests that they view their parent as an authority an authority in charge of them, instead of seeing themselves as equal individuals whose lives are their own.

See also: my Oxford Karl Popper Society talk: Taking Children Seriously: a new view of children

See also:

• “Surely children need discipline to teach them self-discipline?”
• The joy of consensual parenting
• “Natural authority”?

Sarah Fitz-Claridge, 2022, Taking Children Seriously FAQ: ‘“Do children taken seriously ever ask permission?”’, https://takingchildrenseriously.com/do-children-taken-seriously-ever-ask-permission/