“[Many] ‘limits’ work mainly because the parent is bigger physically and can stop the child from leaving, or going outside, or they can keep the child from eating dinner until the child follows their commands. Once the child becomes a teenager, then the parent has to resort to other ways to ‘control’ the child. It’s a vicious cycle and then by the time your child is an adult and leaves home they probably dread having any contact with you.”
– Starlene Stewart
From the archives: Posted on 12th January 1999
Poster 1 wrote:
“I just finished reading a book about parenting and discipline called Kids Are Worth It, by Barbara Coloroso. Has anyone else read it?”
Poster 2 replied:
“Although I’m not yet familiar with Taking Children Seriously parenting, is as much as continuum parenting is concerned, I believe that Barbara Coloroso is very adept at combining what needs to be done, with respecting people’s needs and wants. Instead of telling her child ‘Take the garbage out.’ She will say, ‘The garbage needs to be taken out before dinner.’ She gives the child information and then allows the child to make his own decision, within certain limits, ie: before supper. She expects her children to take part in the household chores as productive members of her household, and expresses this expectation quite respectfully, I believe. I really like her line: ‘You may go outside, as soon as your bed is made.’”
These examples are considered coercive.
Compare the examples to adults. Would a wife say to her husband, “The garbage needs to be taken out before dinner.” What if the husband didn’t want to take out the garbage before dinner? Then the wife won’t ‘allow’ the husband to eat dinner until he has made his ‘own’ decision to adhere to her specified time limit? At least the husband has money and can drive so he can leave the house and go buy himself some supper. Children don’t have the same options.
And the other one: Husband says to wife, “You may go outside, as soon as your bed is made.” I would be so pissed off! Who cares if the bed is made or not anyway?? I haven’t made a bed in 15 years and nothing bad has happened because of it. Okay, I think I’ve actually made a bed maybe a dozen times in the past 15 years. 😉
A lot of these ‘limits’ work mainly because the parent is bigger physically and can stop the child from leaving, or going outside, or they can keep the child from eating dinner until the child follows their commands. Once the child becomes a teenager, then the parent has to resort to other ways to ‘control’ the child. It’s a vicious cycle and then by the time your child is an adult and leaves home they probably dread having any contact with you, but know they better or they’ll never hear the end of it.
It’s really sooooooo much easier living consensually.
See also:
- The Keeping-One’s-Options-Open mentality
- Fun ideas for young toddlers
- The challenge of identifying blind spots
Starlene Stewart, 1999, ‘Coercive examples in Kids Are Worth It’, https://takingchildrenseriously.com/coercive-examples-in-kids-are-worth-it