“In the category in my mind labelled ‘good parenting’ I had nothing but a big question mark. But then I realised there was something else there. One little word that I could hang on to. The word respect. That was the key that led me to Taking Children Seriously.”
– Karen S.
From the archives: First published in Taking Children Seriously 32, 2000
For the first 30 years of my life, I thought I had perfect parents. They were loving, generous, thoughtful, considerate, hardworking. They never fought, swore, got drunk or got into debt. They were fun-loving and had lots of friends. Any problems I had couldn’t possibly be because of them.
But at age 30, I had felt that I had not grown for 10 years. I felt like I had a wall around me. I had just finished travelling for a year and I still felt like the same unconfident, struggling, awkward person. I still needed to please people and was unsure of my own needs. What could I possibly do to get out of this trap? I had tried self-help books before, but again, I turned to them.
This time I found a book called Healing the Shame that Binds You, by John Bradshaw. This is what I consider my first step toward Taking Children Seriously. It was a far cry from Taking Children Seriously but it gave a name to how I felt: it was toxic shame, and one of the reasons I felt it was because of my upbringing. My parents were not perfect after all! I mulled over that for a year, but then so what? I still did not know what to do about it.
Then I read Alice Miller’s book Thou Shalt Not Be Aware: Betrayal of the Child. This is an excellent book. She explains why we have such a long history of toxic pedagogy. Though her books do not talk directly about how to parent, I think that in a sense she was the first Taking Children Seriously person I was introduced to.
Two years later, my daughter was born in my living room in the presence of my father, sister and husband. Something unsanctioned by society, a homebirth, was one of the sweetest fruits everyone present had tasted. What other unsanctioned fruit was hiding out there? If it looked good, I would not be afraid to try it. I soon found it.
The first 18 months of parenting were easy. I knew what to do and my beliefs were supported by most of the new parenting books: give babies what they want when they want. But what about after the age of two? Parenting books have a wide range of opinions. I did not know whom to believe. People said ‘trust yourself’. That was useless. All I knew about, and what came automatically, were the same parenting methods I grew up with: set strict rules; don’t let the child get away with anything; be consistent and firm. If the child disobeys or misbehaves, slap, get angry, yell or spank if necessary. I did not want such misery in my house. But how could I possibly avoid it? In the category in my mind labelled ‘good parenting’ I had nothing but a big question mark. But then I realised there was something else there. One little word that I could hang on to. The word respect.
That was the key that led me to Taking Children Seriously. With my 2-year-old on my lap, and my newly hooked-up computer, I desperately searched the world net for how I could raise my child with respect. And I found it! The words ‘Taking Children Seriously’ flashed on the screen.
That certainly was not the end of the story. For the next year, a day never went by when I did not fight, resist, and struggle with theories expressed on the Taking Children Seriously List. I had to let go of so many beloved bad theories that at times I felt that my whole world had turned upside down and I had nothing firm to grasp on to any more. But though it caused such upheaval in my mind, what kept me going back to that computer screen was the fact that Taking Children Seriously was advocating treating my child the way I wantedto treat her. Yet I was afraid of my child becoming a ‘spoiled brat’.
My life was characterised by intensive debates with my husband, and friends, and a huge amount of time on the Taking Children Seriously List, reading late into the night with sore bleary eyes. But to be truly convinced, I needed tangible evidence. It was only after repeatedly seeing for myself, and comparing the effects of coercion versus Taking Children Seriously, that I truly embraced Taking Children Seriously theories. Fortunately for me, because the incidence of coercion from the start was relatively rare, I was usually able to connect seemingly irrational behaviour by my child to specific instances of coercion. To my amazement, time and time again, Taking Children Seriously proved to be not only the best way to go but the only morally right way to go. Now, after 5 years of parenting, I can’t imagine doing anything other than what Taking Children Seriously advocates—solving problems. My days with my daughter are fun; conflicts are rare and short lasting. Not only has my daughter benefited, I have broken down the wall around me. I am learning about my personal boundaries and my own needs. I feel freer, less responsible for other people and less fearful about exploring the many possibilities of life. Ice cream for breakfast?—love it.
The struggle I went through to break the generational chain of, in Alice Miller’s words, ‘poisonous pedagogy’ has confirmed to me that my parents could not help but parent the way they did, and it has helped me to be understanding toward parents who fail to endorse Taking Children Seriously ideas. I had to fight every step of the way to break through the coercion net—in fact I still am, even with the following factors in my favour: the space between my childhood and my parenthood allowed time for much introspection, observation and reflection; I had become somewhat accustomed to rejecting societal ‘norms’, the most recent being a home birth; my daughter’s grandparents live far away, so I felt free to explore and experiment without anyone becoming upset; my spouse, who is resistant and cynical by nature but also open to new ideas, gradually accepted Taking Children Seriously theories along with me; having only one child left me with sufficient time and energy to think about and study Taking Children Seriously theories; and last but not least, I had the technology to use the Taking Children Seriously List [the Taking Children Seriously forum] which is a wonderful new way to openly and freely exchange ideas with many people at the same time. I consider myself very lucky. Without any one of these factors, I am sure that I would not have had the healthy family dynamics that I do today. Thank you to Sarah Fitz-Claridge and all the other regular contributors to the Taking Children Seriously List and for this Journal.
See also:
- Welcome to Taking Children Seriously
- Is Taking Children Seriously only for the rich?
- Are your children free to follow their own interests?
Karen, 2000, ‘How I came to Taking Children Seriously’, Taking Children Seriously 32, ISSN 1351-5381, pp. 7-8, https://www.takingchildrenseriously.com/how-i-came-to-taking-children-seriously