“[Y]ou must have found out how and why bleach is dangerous at some point in your life, and I doubt you found out by the ‘experience’ of trying it, nor by being ordered not to touch it, at least, not by the order on its own. If you thought that were the case, then you must also think that the only thing that stops you drinking bleach, even now is fear of what your mother will do!”
– Nick
From the archives: Posted on 27 Apr 1996
I had written:
“Parents like to claim that they have the right to decide what is best for the child, because in most situations, they have more experience than the child, and are better facilitated to make the decision. But if the parent were to explain the situation to the child (in as un-patronising way as possible) then what exactly can the parent claim to know that the child does not?”
A poster replied:
“Some knowledge is difficult to impossible to explain in words. The likely-to-be-disappointing toy is an example, though in that case it’s probably best to let the child experience the disappointment for themselves.”
This is not a good example, not only for the reason you yourself have stated, but also because, in about 3 lines, you have managed to fully explain the situation, without even trying (“This toy may be disappointing when you get it, but if you like we’ll get it anyway, and you’ll see for yourself”)
I had written:
“But parents seem afraid that the children may still make the wrong decision. Yet if the children have all the evidence, then their decision can only be wrong from the parent’s point of view.”
The poster replied:
“The critical piece of missing evidence may be the experience. I can describe the experience, I can explain why I think the child is contemplating having the experience themselves, but I can’t really convey what it is to have the experience.”
You don’t need to “convey what it is to have the experience”. Simply saying “I have had this experience, and I do not recommend that you try it” is enough. Of course, if you haven’t had the experience in question, then no matter how much experience you have in other, unrelated subjects, you are no better equipped to make a judgement. Of course, if it is a case where you don’t need experience (such as “Is drinking bleach a bad idea”) to know whether it’s advisable or not, then there is no need to “convey what it is to have the experience”, you can simply say, “Drinking bleach will probably kill you, it says so on the bottle”. After all, you must have found out how and why bleach is dangerous at some point in your life, and I doubt you found out by the “experience” of trying it, nor by being ordered not to touch it, at least, not by the order on its own. If you thought that were the case, then you must also think that the only thing that stops you drinking bleach, even now is fear of what your mother will do!
The poster wrote:
“Not that I disagree with you, it is just that I think your analysis overlooks this factor.”
Good, I’m glad you don’t disagree. Have I covered the factor now?
That dumb kid again,
Nick
See also:
- Time out is not taking time out
- Do children not taught that they can’t always get their own way become entitled and inconsiderate?
- Modelling generosity
Nick, 1996, ‘Explanations and experience’, https://takingchildrenseriously.com/explanations-and-experience