“[Y]ou may want to see housekeeping as something that you simply do as you live. When you walk by a dirty dish, you take it to the sink and wash it. When you are brushing your teeth and you notice the mirror needs cleaning, you do it then. I find that this works best for myself. I devote larger chunks of time for heavy-duty cleaning (like moving furniture, cleaning closets, tidying drawers, etc) but just clean as I go the rest of the time.”
– Annette Abma
From the archives: Posted on 11th December 2002
“In theory I’m taking my children seriously and I try to match the practice to the theory but sometimes everything goes wrong. I have a problem I need help solving in a Taking Children Seriously way. It is really getting me down and I can’t think how to solve it.
My problem is the housework.”
I think that housework is a problem for everyone (Taking Children Seriously or not Taking Children Seriously), so you’re not alone in having this difficulty 🙂
“I can be feeling almost hatred for my husband because he makes so much mess and uses so much crockery and cutlery and never cleans up after himself. My kids do more cleaning than he does. He literally does *nothing* to help. He does put the food on the table metaphorically (he works to support us) but almost never literally, and he does not even offer to do the cleaning on days like my birthday or Mother’s Day.
I feel so angry and so miserable about this, I want to solve this problem before it’s too late. …. Don’t tell me to leave him, because he’s a great father and I love him in all other respects.”
I don’t think that leaving need be the answer, though perhaps a good discussion about the situation would help. Does your husband realize how very upset you are about it? Have you tried to sit down and calmly discuss the problem as a mutual problem?
“In the past I’ve asked him to help, but to get him to do anything, I have to ask every time, and I don’t like to ask because he doesn’t like to be asked to help, and he does work long hours to support us.”
He works long hours to support you. You work long hours to support him. You are both working to make a home for yourselves and your children and in order to do that well, you need to work together. I don’t mean to suggest that he must do housework. After discussing the issue, you may both decide that he shouldn’t do any housework or you may decide that he could do a few things, or you may decide to share it 50/50. But I think that the two of you need to work that out as a solution you are both happy with so that neither of you feels resentment towards the other. Resentment destroys people, little by little. It sounds as though you feel it is “your job” to do the housework; yet the fact that you feel resentful about it suggests that you are not fully convinced that it’s your job. If you are angry and resentful with your husband, those feelings need to be acknowledged and dealt with. They are signs which point towards your underlying theories.
“One thing Taking Children Seriously has taught me is that some problems are in your own mind and that’s where you’ll find a solution.”
Yes, I think that is true. How one feels about something, and the pleasure one derives from the activity, makes a huge difference.
“I think this is one of those problems. I need to find a way to be happy to do all the housework. I need a way to view it in a non-resentful way. I need a new perspective. Can you help me here?”
There have been so many good suggestions already so I’ll probably be repeating many of them. Here are some things to consider:
If you like to do things in big chunks of time, then you could divide your day up accordingly. Morning for one activity, afternoon for another, evening etc. One of these time-slots (an hour or two) could be devoted to cleaning. Make that time fun by putting on your favourite music and singing as you clean. Make a deal with a friend who also hates cleaning to call one another and talk as you clean. Talking as you clean can make a huge difference.
On the other hand, you may want to see housekeeping as something that you simply do as you live. When you walk by a dirty dish, you take it to the sink and wash it. When you are brushing your teeth and you notice the mirror needs cleaning, you do it then. I find that this works best for myself. I devote larger chunks of time for heavy-duty cleaning (like moving furniture, cleaning closets, tidying drawers, etc) but just clean as I go the rest of the time.
You mention that you sell antiques. When you purchase an antique to sell, do you have to clean it, refinish it, repair it in any way? Do you resent doing this? My guess would be that you wouldn’t resent it because it has a purpose for you. Perhaps if you could think of housework in this way it would help. In order to sell a nice antique, one needs to work on it. In order to have a nice home, one needs to work on that too. If you enjoy having a nice home then you will be more likely to enjoy doing the work it takes to make it so. If, on the other hand, you are just doing “what you have to” in order to make the house “okay” then it is probably not very satisfying for you. If you feel that you are cleaning up after your husband and children rather than doing what you must to have a nice home, then you will come to resent your husband and children.
Rather than “cleaning” the house, consider what you are doing as “creating” an environment for yourself and your family. Think about other aspects of the home such as smell, touch, sound, etc. to help with creating this environment. What do you like? Do you like the scent of lavender in the air? The softness of velvet or fur? The crispness of fresh linen? Jazz music? Look at your house as a place to comfort and pamper yourself at every moment. In this way, cleaning the house will not be a chore for you, but a continuous act of creativity. “Making a home” is different than “cleaning a house” even though they may look very much the same.
Other things that might help to make housework less arduous:
- Have baskets around the house to toss “clutter” items into (toys, magazines, keys, mail, etc). Baskets look nice and hide clutter well. Some people contend that putting toys in baskets invites dumping by children, but even if they tend to dump contents of the basket out it is far easier to toss everything back into a basket than to put things neatly on the shelf again.
- As you clean, discard anything that is simply taking up space (unless it belongs to someone else of course). Less clutter means less cleaning.
- Have a basket or box of cleaning supplies in every room. You can buy small spray bottles and plastic containers from a dollar store and divide your supplies up accordingly. I find that it is much easier to clean the sink when I notice it needs cleaning if I can simply reach up and get the spray and paper towels right then and there. For cleaning showers and baths, try to do so as you clean yourself. Have the supplies in the shower and simply spray and wipe down the walls and floor before you get out. Make your own bath-tub scrub out of baking soda and a few drops of essential oil (whatever your favourite scent is). Then, when you are in the bath simply clean just before you pull the plug. The baking soda and scent will actually be good for your skin and clean the tub at the same time. So, whenever you notice that the tub needs a good cleaning, it will be reason for you to have a nice, long, hot bath :-). I find that making my own cleaning products makes cleaning more enjoyable because I can add whatever scent I want. Vinegar, baking soda, lemons, and water (and essential oils) are really all the cleaners you need (and no worries about toxic chemicals).
Gosh, this is already terribly long so I’ll stop. I hope something here helps.
See also:
Annette Abma, 2002, ‘Cleaning as you go or cleaning in one go’, https://takingchildrenseriously.com/cleaning-as-you-go-or-cleaning-in-one-go